Trying to picture myself a year ago, I picture a completely different person than I am now. The age I am now is kind of crazy in that everything changes so fast, even from day to day. Everything in college seems to be on the fast track compared to the world outside the college bubble. Social circles are constantly changing, people are friends one day and grow apart in what seems to be the blink of an eye. Most relationships in college tend to happen fast. There's the initial spark of attraction that sets off the firework, which burns hot and bright for a short time, then goes out as quickly as it was lit. The good ones last and keep burning, but they're the exception, not the rule. Besides all these external influences quickly changing around me, I feel like I'm changing just as fast on the inside. I don't think year ago me would even recognize me now.
A year ago, I couldn't even say the word depression out loud. Now, I'm working towards making it a part of my past and not letting it define me.
A little less than a year ago, I became friends with the person who has single handedly changed my life and gotten me from where I was then to where I am now. She was the first person who I ever let close enough to see the real me and the first person I opened up to about the depression I'd been dealing with since junior high. She was the first person I met who I felt understood me, and it's because of her that I learned to trust people and let people in.
This past year I told my mom I needed help, and she reacted nothing like I expected her to. Her understanding reaction helped me realize that what I'm going through isn't the end of the world. She's been amazing through all of this, and I have more respect for her than I ever thought possible.
Also in this past year, I realized why I was going to be a psychologist, and to my surprise it wasn't to fix myself. After being stuck in neutral for as long as I can remember, this year I made progress. I took risks. I hurt. I felt again. I healed. It was a big year.
Looking forward now, I'm excited for the year to come and the adventures it holds. I'm ready to embrace life with the proverbial open arms. I'm not making New Years resolutions per se, but more long term goals to work toward. Most of all, I want to be ok. I'm not entirely sure what that means for me yet, but I'll know it when I see it. More concrete, I want to be able to go off my meds this year. I'm not going to hold myself to that, because I know these things take time, and I don't want to push myself if I'm not ready, so we'll see what happens. Depression defined my last year, and I'm ok with that. It was something I needed to come to terms with, and I needed to know that all the hurt and pain I'd been dealing with were real. This year though, is going to be defined by healing and progress toward figuring out who I am and more importantly how to be who I am.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
True Names
I'm about to make a really cheesy comparison of my life to an even cheesier fantasy series, so if cheesy comparisons aren't your thing, skip this post and move on happily with your life.
I just finished the Eragon series, one I started when I was younger and grew up loving. The last book came out recently and of course I read it, but it didn't hold quite the same magic for me that it did when I was younger. Disappointing, but such is growing up I guess. Here's where the cheesy comparison comes in. In the book, the main character, Eragon, must discover his "true name," a name that encompasses not only his characteristics and strengths, but also his weaknesses. In order to figure out his true name, he must come to terms with all virtues and his vices. He must see the entirety of his being for what it is, no rose colored glasses. This includes acknowledging his flaws and the part they've played in shaping him into who he is. I've been thinking a lot about that since finishing the book, about whether it's ever truly possibly for us to see ourselves in an unbiased manner, without our preconceived notions of ourselves, both positive and negative. I think in part that is what this blog and my life in general right now is about for me, figuring out who I am and getting rid of the ideas of myself that I've been holding onto for so long. I wish so badly I could see myself plainly for who I really am, deep down at the core. I feel like if anything, I focus too much on my weaknesses, especially weaknesses of the past. Doubtless I have my fair share of flaws, but I think I need to work on focusing less on the flaws and more on how they've made me into who I am today. I need to try to see the big picture.
I just finished the Eragon series, one I started when I was younger and grew up loving. The last book came out recently and of course I read it, but it didn't hold quite the same magic for me that it did when I was younger. Disappointing, but such is growing up I guess. Here's where the cheesy comparison comes in. In the book, the main character, Eragon, must discover his "true name," a name that encompasses not only his characteristics and strengths, but also his weaknesses. In order to figure out his true name, he must come to terms with all virtues and his vices. He must see the entirety of his being for what it is, no rose colored glasses. This includes acknowledging his flaws and the part they've played in shaping him into who he is. I've been thinking a lot about that since finishing the book, about whether it's ever truly possibly for us to see ourselves in an unbiased manner, without our preconceived notions of ourselves, both positive and negative. I think in part that is what this blog and my life in general right now is about for me, figuring out who I am and getting rid of the ideas of myself that I've been holding onto for so long. I wish so badly I could see myself plainly for who I really am, deep down at the core. I feel like if anything, I focus too much on my weaknesses, especially weaknesses of the past. Doubtless I have my fair share of flaws, but I think I need to work on focusing less on the flaws and more on how they've made me into who I am today. I need to try to see the big picture.
A Girl that Reads
“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve. Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow. She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book. Buy her another cup of hot chocolate. Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice. It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does. She has to give it a shot somehow. Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world. Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two. Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series. If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots. Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.”
-Rosemarie Urquico
Sadly, this pretty much describes me to a T. I'm the girl who will wander bookstores (preferably old used bookstores) for hours and sit on the floor in the middle of an isle with a pile of books around her like a crazy person. I'm the girl who will buy a book just because its old and the cover is beautiful, even if it's one I've never heard of. I will read it and love it. I grew up on books, everything from Boxcar Children to Chronicles of Narnia, which my mom read to me as soon as I was old enough to sit still long enough. I begged for more each time she'd stop. I was the kid that read fantasy books in grade school and pretended to fight dragons in my backyard for hours until it got dark, never once acknowledging the real world where dragons and magic didn't exist. In high school, reading was my escape from everything in the real world that I didn't want to face. At the same time I'd pretend I didn't obsessively read, simply to fit in with people that in the end it turned out didn't matter anyway. Sadly, I have yet to make it through Ulysses, but I have read A Portrait of the Artist as Young Man, and I would be lying if I said I understood more than half of it. I would also be lying if I said I didn't love it just the same. I may not cry when I find the book I want, but it does bring me more happiness than most anything else... and yes, I am guilty of smelling/feeling the old yellow pages of books. Guilty as charged. Now, you'll have me at first edition. My dream present is a first edition of The Fountainhead. What normal 20 year old girl says that? I'm ok with it though. I've realized even more now that it's true- words are love. I collect quotes and mark up books with my thoughts and underline my favorite passages. To the poor guy that eventually gets stuck with me, I'll send you quotes from whatever I'm reading that I feel somehow apply to me or us, and I'll find meaning and over-analyze everything.
I'd like to think that with all of my craziness comes with a certain magic that only a love of books and words can bring. I'm finally learning to embrace my quirkiness, my love of reading, and my wildly overactive imagination. I'm not 2 dimensional, and like the best characters, I'm growing and changing. There's more to me than meets the eye, deeper meaning behind my character that even the author may not have intended. I'm Elizabeth Wurtzel, Dorian Gray, Dominique Francon (with hopefully a dash of Howard Roark too) and Elizabeth Bennet all rolled into one. As cliche as it may sound, I'm still writing my story- the ending, and even the middle for that matter, yet to be determined.
This is entitled "Date a Girl that Reads," but I would assert more than that- Be a Girl that Reads, and be ok with it.
-Rosemarie Urquico
Sadly, this pretty much describes me to a T. I'm the girl who will wander bookstores (preferably old used bookstores) for hours and sit on the floor in the middle of an isle with a pile of books around her like a crazy person. I'm the girl who will buy a book just because its old and the cover is beautiful, even if it's one I've never heard of. I will read it and love it. I grew up on books, everything from Boxcar Children to Chronicles of Narnia, which my mom read to me as soon as I was old enough to sit still long enough. I begged for more each time she'd stop. I was the kid that read fantasy books in grade school and pretended to fight dragons in my backyard for hours until it got dark, never once acknowledging the real world where dragons and magic didn't exist. In high school, reading was my escape from everything in the real world that I didn't want to face. At the same time I'd pretend I didn't obsessively read, simply to fit in with people that in the end it turned out didn't matter anyway. Sadly, I have yet to make it through Ulysses, but I have read A Portrait of the Artist as Young Man, and I would be lying if I said I understood more than half of it. I would also be lying if I said I didn't love it just the same. I may not cry when I find the book I want, but it does bring me more happiness than most anything else... and yes, I am guilty of smelling/feeling the old yellow pages of books. Guilty as charged. Now, you'll have me at first edition. My dream present is a first edition of The Fountainhead. What normal 20 year old girl says that? I'm ok with it though. I've realized even more now that it's true- words are love. I collect quotes and mark up books with my thoughts and underline my favorite passages. To the poor guy that eventually gets stuck with me, I'll send you quotes from whatever I'm reading that I feel somehow apply to me or us, and I'll find meaning and over-analyze everything.
I'd like to think that with all of my craziness comes with a certain magic that only a love of books and words can bring. I'm finally learning to embrace my quirkiness, my love of reading, and my wildly overactive imagination. I'm not 2 dimensional, and like the best characters, I'm growing and changing. There's more to me than meets the eye, deeper meaning behind my character that even the author may not have intended. I'm Elizabeth Wurtzel, Dorian Gray, Dominique Francon (with hopefully a dash of Howard Roark too) and Elizabeth Bennet all rolled into one. As cliche as it may sound, I'm still writing my story- the ending, and even the middle for that matter, yet to be determined.
This is entitled "Date a Girl that Reads," but I would assert more than that- Be a Girl that Reads, and be ok with it.
Friday, December 23, 2011
To be able to say the I
A word of explanation.
The somewhat strange title of my blog comes from a quote from Ayn Rand's book, The Fountainhead. I'm thoroughly convinced that anything Rand writes is magic, and no one can convince me otherwise. The quote reads as follows- "To say I love you, one must first be able to say the I."
This blog is a documentation of my journey to being able to say the I.
I'm currently 20, and despite my two decades of life, I still have no idea who I am or what I'm doing. Maybe no one ever does. That's not going to stop me from trying though. This last year especially, I feel like I've gained a greater understanding of myself and what I want out of life. Currently, my main goal is this- I want to be ok with myself. I'm finally to the point where I won't give in, and I won't let up until I've accomplished this. It may sound elementary, but I've got to start somewhere, and for the past... well as long as I can remember, I haven't even had the desire to "be ok," let alone have I actually been ok. That's going to change though, starting with figuring out who I am- being able to say "I" and actually knowing what that means for me.
Right now, no one even knows about this blog, and I have a grand total of 0 followers. I kinda like that. Maybe someday that will be different, but for now, it's just me.
The somewhat strange title of my blog comes from a quote from Ayn Rand's book, The Fountainhead. I'm thoroughly convinced that anything Rand writes is magic, and no one can convince me otherwise. The quote reads as follows- "To say I love you, one must first be able to say the I."
This blog is a documentation of my journey to being able to say the I.
I'm currently 20, and despite my two decades of life, I still have no idea who I am or what I'm doing. Maybe no one ever does. That's not going to stop me from trying though. This last year especially, I feel like I've gained a greater understanding of myself and what I want out of life. Currently, my main goal is this- I want to be ok with myself. I'm finally to the point where I won't give in, and I won't let up until I've accomplished this. It may sound elementary, but I've got to start somewhere, and for the past... well as long as I can remember, I haven't even had the desire to "be ok," let alone have I actually been ok. That's going to change though, starting with figuring out who I am- being able to say "I" and actually knowing what that means for me.
Right now, no one even knows about this blog, and I have a grand total of 0 followers. I kinda like that. Maybe someday that will be different, but for now, it's just me.
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