Trying to picture myself a year ago, I picture a completely different person than I am now. The age I am now is kind of crazy in that everything changes so fast, even from day to day. Everything in college seems to be on the fast track compared to the world outside the college bubble. Social circles are constantly changing, people are friends one day and grow apart in what seems to be the blink of an eye. Most relationships in college tend to happen fast. There's the initial spark of attraction that sets off the firework, which burns hot and bright for a short time, then goes out as quickly as it was lit. The good ones last and keep burning, but they're the exception, not the rule. Besides all these external influences quickly changing around me, I feel like I'm changing just as fast on the inside. I don't think year ago me would even recognize me now.
A year ago, I couldn't even say the word depression out loud. Now, I'm working towards making it a part of my past and not letting it define me.
A little less than a year ago, I became friends with the person who has single handedly changed my life and gotten me from where I was then to where I am now. She was the first person who I ever let close enough to see the real me and the first person I opened up to about the depression I'd been dealing with since junior high. She was the first person I met who I felt understood me, and it's because of her that I learned to trust people and let people in.
This past year I told my mom I needed help, and she reacted nothing like I expected her to. Her understanding reaction helped me realize that what I'm going through isn't the end of the world. She's been amazing through all of this, and I have more respect for her than I ever thought possible.
Also in this past year, I realized why I was going to be a psychologist, and to my surprise it wasn't to fix myself. After being stuck in neutral for as long as I can remember, this year I made progress. I took risks. I hurt. I felt again. I healed. It was a big year.
Looking forward now, I'm excited for the year to come and the adventures it holds. I'm ready to embrace life with the proverbial open arms. I'm not making New Years resolutions per se, but more long term goals to work toward. Most of all, I want to be ok. I'm not entirely sure what that means for me yet, but I'll know it when I see it. More concrete, I want to be able to go off my meds this year. I'm not going to hold myself to that, because I know these things take time, and I don't want to push myself if I'm not ready, so we'll see what happens. Depression defined my last year, and I'm ok with that. It was something I needed to come to terms with, and I needed to know that all the hurt and pain I'd been dealing with were real. This year though, is going to be defined by healing and progress toward figuring out who I am and more importantly how to be who I am.
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